New Horror/Suspense Releases in Theaters and on DVD: Week of March 8, 2009

What's Coming Out This Week?

The Last House on the Left

A group of criminals attack a young girl, then seek shelter at a house, not realizing that it's the home of the girl's vengeful parents. Hilarity ensues.

Ben X

In this acclaimed Belgian thriller, a bullied autistic teen finds solace in an online role-playing video game, where he meets a girl who helps him devise a plan to get revenge on his tormentors.

Crowley

The spirit of evil occultist Aleister Crowley possesses a mild-mannered college professor, turning him into a big fat jerk.

Dark Reel

A Hollywood movie set is simultaneously stalked by a killer and haunted by a ghost.

Dead by Dawn

A group of graduating high school students gather at a remote cabin to party, and nothing bad happens to them. Or maybe they get slaughtered by an evil presence.

Groom Lake

William Shatner directs this story of a young couple traveling to Area 51 who uncover -- surprise, surprise -- an alien conspiracy.

Growing Out

An unemployed man agrees to become the caretaker of an old house and discovers a living arm "growing out" of the basement floor.

Hallettsville

© Westlake

A teen brings a group of his friends to his family's ranch house, the site of the mass murder of a bunch of children years prior. Not surprisingly, an evil presence knocks them off one by one. Gary Busey co-stars, presumably not as the evil presence.

Let the Right One In

This award winner from Sweden mixes coming-of-age tale with vampire thriller and arthouse flick.

Palimpsest: A Hypnotic Mystery

In this Polish thriller, a cop investing the death of a friend delves into his own psychological experiences...whatever that means.

Prometheus Triumphant: A Fugue in the Key of Flesh

In this modern-day throwback to the black-and-white silent film era, a doctor seeks to resurrect his love from the dead.

Stash

A couple of crooks are caught trying to steal a marijuana stash and are subjected to torture at the hands of the vicious ganja farmer, seriously harshing their buzz.

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Surviving a Horror Movie pt. 1

* Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery and a full tank of gas so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

*  When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

*  If appliances start operating by themselves, MOVE OUT.

*  If you find that your house was built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

*  Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Don't mumble to yourself, either - if you can't read silently, you have no business with such
a thing anyway.

*  Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

*  As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

*  When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the lights on!

* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as soon as possible!

* If your car runs out of gas at night, DO NOT go to the nearest deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that is strange because you thought you had half a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

by Roosevelt Samarie L.

Tags: Surviving A Horror Movie Staying Alive

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New Horror Movie Releases in Theaters and on DVD: Week of March 1, 2009

What's Coming Out This Week?

Nothing much of note this week horror-wise, most notably the DVD release of the Austrian slasher Dead in 3 Days.

Blood Scarab

© Tempe

The Burning

© Pathfinder

In this warped Japanese tale of familial bonding, "hot" twin sisters turn into out-of-control pyromaniacs when they're together. That's why 13 years ago, they were forcibly separated. Now, with one of them on her deathbed, they reunite for one last fiery fling.

Dead in 3 Days

© Dimension Extreme

OMG, a bunch of nubes get a txt msg sayin they'll die n 3 dayz. Az the bodiez pile up, the teenz have 2 figure out who's killin their bffs. LOL.

False Face

© Midnight Releasing

A compulsive gambler borrows money from some shady folk who stipulate that he has to follow three simple rules (for borrowing my teenage money). Being an idiot, he breaks the rules and has to suffer the consequences when his girlfriend goes missing and he begins to receive strange phone calls that drive him insane.

Gone the Way of Flesh

© Tempe

A mystery killer kidnaps, tortures and kills groupies of a local rock band, and everyone wonders the same thing: "A local rock band has groupies?"

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

© Sony

A pre-Hannibal Lecter Anthony Hopkins stars in this 1982 made-for-TV adaptation of the Victor Hugo novel as Quasimodo, the deformed bellringer of the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris.

In Search of Lovecraft

© Midnight Releasing

A TV news reporter doing a Halloween story on legendary horror author H.P. Lovecraft comes to realize that the monsters and supernatural "mythos" that he wrote about are in fact real.

Last Rites

© Televista

This cheesy 1979 film, also known as Dracula's Last Rites, finds Dracula employed as a mortician in a small town who uses his position to supply him with plenty of fresh blood, in collaboration with the town doctor and sheriff, both also vampires.

Taste of Flesh

© Brain Damage

Four college kids think they're going to a rave, but they end up in a trap set by a cannibal with a...taste for flesh!

Wet Kiss

© Burning Moon

A woman named Sunflower returns from the grave to exact revenge on those responsible for her death. Along for the ride are Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite.

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Source: By Mark H. Harris, About.com Guide

Tags: Horror Releases Movies Dvd

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How to Be an Evil Villain

The universe is a place of balance. For every goody-two-shoes-puppy-saving-hero out there, the universe needs a paragon of evil. Being an evil villain is a rewarding way to make a real difference in the world and crush it mercilessly under foot in the process. Unfortunately, there are very few evil villain training programs, and they are notoriously hard to get in. Luckily, there are real opportunities for self starters in the booming industry of evil villain operations.

1. Step 1

   Establish an awesome secret hideout. It's all about location, location, location when it comes to secret hideouts. Skull shaped uncharted are an absolute classic, but they are never on the market long! Of course, there is a great deal going for an under-volcano base when looking at heating and energy costs, and it is hard to beat the view from an awesome orbiting space station or secret moon base.

2. Step 2

   Recruit an army. When the good guys come, there needs to be as much fodder around to take the brunt of the avenging fists of justice. Plus, a well trained evil army not only makes a great personal staff but also an impressive posse. Be sure to follow all worker health and safety regulations; dealing with superheroes and secret agents is easy compared to getting a visit from OSHA.

3. Step 3

   Hire at least one top shelf sadistic sidekick (of course, the more the merrier). This is even more important than a huge secret hideout or vast army of henchmen. One really crazy iron-fisted lackey to destroy enemies in some type of signature manner really goes a long way to establishing some serious street credibility, so go all out. A tip: super-hot ninja girls with repressed gender role issues are the next big thing in villainy!

4. Step 4

   Outline a sadistic plan for global domination. Something with laser satellites or nuclear blackmail... the details aren't terribly important early on as long as it is clearly established that the world will either be crushed into submission or completely destroyed to clear the way for an entirely new order (guess who gets to lead that!).

5. Step 5

   Create an intense, lethal rivalry with a major agent of good. Too many wannabe villains are out there claiming to be evil, but no one really cares enough to even try to stop them, and soon they are back to being the night manager at Kwiky-Gas. A villain is only as good as the hero they are up against. Anyone can fool the police but not really be an evil villain (for example: is OJ a real villain or just a guy that beat the cops?). A big league villain needs an A-list adversary. Select the agent of good that is most appealing and viciously blow up their wedding or something to attract their attention.

6. Step 6

   Have fun with it! This is much more important that it seems. Evil is about doing what one wants when one wants, not fretting about schedules and requisitions and jail time. If a villain is not really enjoying what they are doing, the press will chew them up and spit them out in no time!

Tags: Evil Villian

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The Terminator

Leave it to evil supercomputers to come up with the most efficient solution to that age-old problem, the human race. Here, Skynet, a supercomputer from the future, sends back a cyborg that looks remarkably like the Governor of California to wipe out the mother of the next Che Guevara before she can give birth.

How that's easier than killing him when you've got all of humanity surrounded by thousands of robots in your own time is beyond me, but I'm no supercomputer.

Tags: Diabolical Schemes Evil Plans Humor

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1. Step 1

   Getting time alone to practice is important, unless you are not going to be embarrassed by a lack of proper evil in the beginning and know you are in the company of those who will not hold this against you.

2. Step 2

   The important thing to remember about an evil laugh is it comes from HAPPY evil, not angry or aggressive evil. Find the thoughts that tap into your arrogance. You are awesome. Awesomely evil! Imagine yourself entrenched in the evil layer of your choice, perhaps stroking a cat or other diabolical companion. If this is for an evil costume, dress up in it and take a good look in the mirror. Soak up your evil style. Yes, you do look very evil don't you? It's stylish.

3. Step 3

   Once smugness of your grand evilness begins to set in, start with a small chuckle. Chuckle low, and from the throat. Do this a few times and you may begin to feel good about it. (Laughter itself is a healthy and feels good. This will help us achieve happy evil.)

4. Step 4

   When the chuckle has been mastered, or at the very least, becomes comfortable, you may realize your dark thoughts are overwhelming. A chuckle is not enough. Continue to bask in your own epic darkness and inherent grandness until that chuckle naturally grows into something more powerful-- a laugh.

5. Step 5

   The laughter may only be light at first. This is perfect. Let an evil laugh grow; bursting out in a sudden "Mwa, ha, ha, ha!" is not as effective as a slow and creepy build up from a chuckle into a guffaw. Do not force your laughter, but feel it, so that the light laughter of this step grows louder with each attempt.

6. Step 6

   Practice often. Start early if you plan to drerss up for Halloween just in case you find yourself considering a villainous option.

Tags: Evil Laugh Horror

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